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2/15/2022, 12:00pm

Ranking pet names from a judgy Gemini

By Elizabeth Peters

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With Valentine’s Day love still in the air, here is my opinion on what the best and worst pet names are this year. They are ranked from best to worst in regards to what will make others say “Aww” or “Eww” when they hear you say it. 

1. Sweetheart

This is the most superior pet name for public usage. It’s classic, it’s not overdone in the common day and it won’t make those around you wish they had not moved back to campus. Nothing about this term is too much, which is what makes it your best pick for showing affection in public without causing eye rolls. 

2. Baby

It’s not a bad option, but the general populous just finds this boring and cringy. Very little creativity goes into this pet name, so while it might grate the ears of those around you, it is a safe bet. You are not wrong for having this be your default, but it just could be so much better. Consider switching up the game and calling you partner some of the alternatives: Babes, Honey, Sweetie, etc. 

3. Babe

While this is a variant of “baby,” it gets its own ranking as it has evolved into a whole new beast. Babe users are generally too lazy to commit to the “Y” of baby, and this was only perpetuated by the pop cultural B.A.E of the early 2010s. Honestly it just contributes to the Gen Z stereotype of being too lazy to finish anything. It’s not the worst thing you can say, just not great, especially when the “A” is elongated in pronunciation. Do better “Baaaaaaaabe” users.  

4. Darlin’

OK, so listen this is not inherently a bad pet name. Should you be a refined English gentleman or a southern cowboy, this affectionate term is actually good. The problem comes when you are neither of the above and are pretending to either be more cowboy or more refined than you truly are. This is a plea to simply stop and choose a different thing to call your significant other, because let me tell you, hunting and deer camps do not make you a cowboy. That’s just the majority of the Pennsylvania population. 

5. Babygirl/Babyboy

While these endearments have been “normalized” via the harlequin novels your mom reads on the beach, they still send shivers down all by-standers spines when said. Not in a good way, freak. This is a formal message to keep these pet names behind closed doors or you have opened yourself up to being publicly ostracized. 

6. Daddy/Mommy

If you want people around you to actually vomit, then by all means continue calling your partner this in public. However, I will remind you that this pet name is like firing a flare gun in the middle of campus: attracts a lot of attention and sparks a lot of fear. Using it is simultaneously a power statement and a clear cry for a need of therapy. To schedule your appointment, call The Counseling Center at (717) 477-1481. 

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