When I was driving home this past weekend, I decided to bite the bullet and turn on some Christmas music — controversial, I know. For some people, this is perfectly normal, while others will consider me crazy for giving in this early. 

Personally, I believed that after Thanksgiving was the only appropriate time to partake in Christmas activities, but now I am listening to Christmas music in the middle of November. Things change. 

I tried really hard to embrace the Christmas spirit during my festive drive, but it just felt wrong. To be honest, I have been dreading the idea of celebrating the holiday at the end of next month. 

Some of my struggles stem from chasing the Christmas magic of my childhood. These last few years, it has been hard for me to accept that the holiday will never be the same as it was when I was a child. 

This year has been exceptionally difficult. Two days after Christmas last year, my father unexpectedly passed away, and the rapidly approaching holiday has brought up a lot of feelings I have been suppressing for the past year.

After hearing three short songs in the car, I decided that I had more than enough Christmas cheer. I started to look for a different playlist. As I went to change the music, “Silver Bells” began to play, and I could not turn it off. 

Last year after we cut down our Christmas tree, my parents and I hopped in our truck to go for lunch. My dad had a Christmas station playing, and at some point during our drive, “Silver Bells” came on the radio. 

One thing about my dad is that he loved to change the lyrics of songs. As the three of us listened to “Silver Bells,” he crafted his own version of the chorus and loudly sang it over the original. 

I sadly cannot remember the entirety of his creation, but some of his alterations have remained with me. My favorite part of his version is that he changed the lyrics “It’s Christmas time in the city” to “It’s Christmas time and I feel sh*tty.”  

When the song unironically played on my drive home, I could not help myself from crying, laughing and singing what I could remember of his version. I even left the Christmas music on after “Silver Bells” ended.  

Holidays can be extremely hard for a multitude of different reasons. I am very lucky that I have so many good Christmas memories with my family, and my heart goes out to those who never got to experience the magic I so desperately miss. 

If you are looking forward to celebrating Christmas, I urge you to take the time to truly cherish whatever makes the holiday special for you. But if the approach of Christmas is making you “feel sh*tty,” just know there’s nothing wrong with that, because I am right there with you.

Share