Now why on Earth did I check the status on my Fulbright application a minute before class started? 

For those unindoctrinated, I applied for the Fulbright English Teaching Assistantship program in South Korea last fall, and the process almost broke me. I wrote and rewrote every aspect of my application, trying to tailor each of my words to highlight the reasons why I should be selected to go teach abroad and return to South Korea, where I studied abroad last spring. 

Spoiler alert: I did not get the award. In the two seconds it took my brain to register the words “not selected,” I think I went numb. This moment is something I literally have dreamed about happening for the past three months, and yet the actual experience was nothing special. And then the true weight of the size 10 font, three paragraph letter sunk in. 

To stroke my own ego, I think I handled the news really well — I sobbed the entire class quietly in front of my professor, not being able to hear the lecture or anything that actually happened. 

But horribly, life goes on from this moment. 

Growing up, my mom always said that you can feel however you need to feel for 24 hours, and then you need to find a way to keep going. I really like this philosophy because being sad, angry or upset for 24 hours is more time than I ever need to process my emotions. In high school, this mentality worked great with disappointing test scores and lost volleyball games. 

In writing this, I am still well within my 24 hours of allowed depression, but I am a Peters and I need to find a solution to this ASAP. 

Not being selected for a highly prestigious award is not going to break me, especially when I am allowed to reapply next year. That is the good thing about Fulbright —they allow for you to try again. 

Right now, I am considering a few different things: 1. Why did I apply to begin with? 2. What do I want to do with my life? 3. Is it worth it to try again?

The answer to Question 1 is simple: I wanted an easy way to go back to South Korea to teach English. There are many routes to teaching abroad, but the Fulbright programs are very thorough and make the adjustment process easy. Plus, I would not need to have a high level of proficiency in Korean, which is good because I have not been up on my studying. 

Question 2 is a bit harder. The past semester’s worth of life has changed my outlook quite a bit, and I am not as driven as I once was about teaching. I think this is probably due to academic burn out, but then it begs the question of “if not teaching, then what?” The job application process has been unfruitful as of late, and I can only hear so many people tell me “You’re talented I am sure you will find something” so many more times before I hole up in The Slate office and stop coming out. 

In my mind’s eye, my perfect five-year future involves me wearing a stylish pant suit on public transit, coming back to my apartment on the edge of a city. I could not tell you what my job is here, but I like that in this dream I am independent and happy, which I think is what I need to focus on making happen right now. 

Question 3 is what I need to work out sooner rather than later, because reapplying would be just as much work as the first time. If I am being real with myself, does this program still align with what I want in life? I will have to marinate and pray on that, I guess. 

While I still have a few hours left of sadness, I know that rain is what makes plants grow. Nothing in life is a give in, and even though I am disappointed (devastated honestly), I will find a way to move on to greater things. This is a still a step forward, just on a path I had not expected to take. 

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